He Trusts Me

It’s astonishing how God gives you blessings you’re not qualified for. No prior experience. No extensions of you to at least make the connections. No one pointing you out and saying, “You’re the one” and no works that back up creditability. On the contrary, my background screams “NO!” It suggests if chosen, the probability of failing is high. My degree can’t even lift up my name and yield support.

 
So I walk down this road completely mystified, knowing the truth of my being does not add up to the unbelievable purpose before me. I’m in utter shock that my mistakes, my scars and my shortcomings – one or all have not stacked up against me – and consequently, have stamped my head with a scarlet letter to further make valid its claim of my ineligibility for something so great as to parent a child with autism. Autism – a subject, initially I was clueless about and even with knowing the facts, applying what you have learned is an even harder task.
 
However, as broken as my past molded me to be and as uneducated in that area I was (and still am in some regards), God blessed me anyway. He saw something in me that I still question about myself to this day. But to be chosen to be a force to love, to care & to fight, I am deeply honored. Thirteen years of my son’s life and ten years in of autism, every day I am grateful for this miracle of life He gave me. And although, this journey is not a hop, skip & a jump and then you’re at your destination – NO!!! It’s the complete opposite. It’s been up and down. . . .winding. . .and many days, at a halt. But I pray and I hope – and that has become my coffee in the mornings and my pillow at night.
 
I don’t have all the answers. Half the time, I’m not sure if I’m parenting correctly. But I try, and I think that’s what God knew when he decided to bless me with Callie. He knew I would love, I would try and I would give my all. . . .and daily I’m humbled that He trusts me.
 
 
 
 
Thanks for listening,
 
Portia
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