My first born was quite a surprise and a joy, all at the same time. My husband and I had just gotten married and a couple of months down the road, I was overwhelmed with nausea, fear and then baby. Two years later, my second son, Callie was born and I had a different kind of fear. His coming into the world wasn’t like his brother. The environment that I had come accustomed to, spoke an unfamiliar language from the environment that I was about to embark. He didn’t cry much at all, which I honestly thought was great, seeing how his brother cried enough for the both of them and any other babies nearby. However his piercing eyes seemingly looked through you and not at you. I tried gazing back into his eyes, mostly wondering where his focus had landed and praying that if he didn’t find comfort any place else, that he knew he could find it in me. I knew early that Callie was miles apart from his older brother but didn’t grasp the enormity of it until later. However, a mother’s instinct knew something. I didn’t know what and that left me feeling unprepared, unfit and lost.
Before the recognizable delays, routines, meltdowns, and sensory problems, I’m questioning myself. How could I possibly be the Mom that my son deserved? Again, there’s no point of reference. And even though the birth of my first son spoke highly of what I had become, it wasn’t a map to Callie’s future. So I hid behind my weaknesses and became a disguised strong. My perception of myself had to at least change outwardly even if inwardly God and I kept my lack of “know-how” a secret. I soon realized that my son’s dependence on me was a learning habitat. Every mistake made and wisdom I gained from it became the guide. I am glad that I was the stand where he hung every emotion imaginable just to receive peace and assurance. That was better than ok, because as I looked upon him, I saw such a magnificent creation. He’s every sky diving thrill. . .every cool walk on white sandy beaches. . .every 3 – pointer made. . .every glimpse of a rainbow. . .and every mountain climbed. Callie is one of the princes God orchestrated me to have, and with that fact, I knew provision would be met and grace would carry me.
Thanks for listening,