I haven’t slept much since Callie was diagnosed with autism. When he was much younger, there were countless days where I watched the moon appear at night and greeted the sunrise with not as much as a doze or a nap. Bags under my eyes were constant witnesses of my lack of rest & my obvious fear of not wanting to leave him alone. As he became older, I would shut my eyes for a few hours only to be awakened by anxiety of making sure the boy that I had put to bed at 9:30 p.m. is still ok at 11:00 p.m. . . .1:00 a.m. . . .3:00 a.m. . . . .and then up for good at 5:30 a.m.
Watching a child struggle is beyond difficult, but it’s a 100x worse when you feel helpless about how to make things better. The big bad wolf called fear has camped beside you with every intentions to stay. And praying without ceasing for a miracle has even become exhausting especially when there is no visual progress. . . .plus you’re still living off your childhood prayers and not ones that are based on faith to move mountains. But after walking for some years hand and hand with sorrow, I had to part ways. I wanted a fresh perspective, a new outlook and an effective prayer. . .even if the signs pointed to no cure, no opportunities, no improvements and no light at the end of the tunnel. I needed hope. I figured anything was better than falling asleep to stress and waking up every couple of hours to fear. I started praying and believing in what I was asking God to do for my son but also with the understanding that I may not get my prayers answered the way that I desire nor the time I desire it. But I had to trust that they are getting answered. I pray now he learns something new everyday. I pray he be the best he can be. I pray his life is dauntless, bold & brave and ever more adventurous than the cartoons he watches. I pray he never stops trying. I pray he always has that remarkable heart and that unrestrained enthusiasm about the thrill of life in his world. I pray his eyes continue to shine and no matter what the future holds, my prayer is that he will forever know he’s loved, he’s special, he’s gifted and he’s brought more joy & inspiration to my life and so many others — more than we could have ever imagined. . . .more than we could ever obtain.
Even though I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, I don’t doubt anymore that Callie is gathering as much as his ears can hear, his eyes can see and his brain can absorb. His hidden treasures today doesn’t mean one day they won’t be revealed. And for me, this is where God allows hope to close my eyes, breathe and believe for more.