Feeling My Heartbeats

Often our every day emotions can cause the very sound of our hearts beating to be overshadowed, blocked & dismissed….and even though its intensity may change because our surroundings change, the hearts seemingly portray the same consistent rhythm. No matter the rotation, no matter the climate alterations, no matter the old, new & old again, our hearts beat through it all…..sometimes, loudly to gain access to our attention or faintly, trying to hold on in hopes that one weak tug will cause a reaction. Because my blog is geared toward autism awareness, obviously I write about my son with autism a lot. But I do have 3 hearts besides him that mean just as much. I catch myself at times referring to them as my “other” sons as if the significance has only made its way to Callie. Not even remotely true. All of their hearts are my home, where treasure meets comfort & security, and I can close my eyes, knowing with assurance that all is well & complete. My heart & soul combined holding every story, every memory, every wound remedied & kissed and always having space for a lifetime of more…..furnishing them with that sigh of relief from the world and conveying that safety, stability & unconditional love does exist & is housed in me. They all have gifts, strengths, weaknesses, ups, downs, smiles, frowns, fears & dreams that deserve regard. Each has a sense of worth that needs to be lifted & praised. And at birth, they earned the right to know their names have meaning. . .substance and be assured that they, brothers #1, #3 & #4, have not been subtracted from the equation all because a live-in guest has gravitated to brother #2, causing all eyes to be on him. I admit that after my son’s diagnosis, our world turned upside down. I did not handle the breaking news of autism very well. Even after my two youngest sons were born, I went through the motions of motherhood, losing my way & feeling like because there’s this constant rain of negative & absolute no positive,  I couldn’t  bring my legs & feet to walk. Drowning in the day and fearing tomorrow, all I saw was Callie and my desperation to get up. I was blind to everything else……and to this, I weep. My oldest & two youngest suffered from my lack of seeing that all they asked…all they wanted….all they breathed was for recognition. “Mom, Open House is tonight. Can we go?” “Mom, look at what I drew for you!” “Mom, I don’t like school.” “Mom, can we read a book?” “Mom, can me & you go out, just you & me, like you & Callie?” “Mom….” “Mom….” “Mom….” Even though, my whole being was swallowed up in a diagnosis that revamped our whole existence, I love my children…LOVE, LOVE, LOVE….but my actions reflected otherwise. “Mom, are you ok?” is what echoed in my hearing a lot. They saw tears & despair. They also saw their needs either become secondary or a wash…and resentment began to turtle walk without making a pin drop. Only their faces read disappointment and nothing else needed to be said. 

Monday, I took my sons out to eat. My youngest wanted to eat at a restaurant for dinner and at his request, we did. The day before, I watched a movie with my oldest & my two youngest boys. Callie decided that his movie on his computer was better. Once upon a time, dinner at a restaurant would be unheard of, something off limits & too crazy of an idea to mention. A while back, I would have stayed downstairs with Callie, feeling guilty because his presence was absent from the family hanging spot. However, I checked on him a few times during the movie, but returned immediately to my hearts upstairs to share laughs, popcorn & juice. I realized a long time ago that I have 4 sons that matter, not just one. Now one-on-one is carved out for each of my boys. Callie still takes up a lot of my time, but his brothers understand & are ok with that, just as long as I SEE them, HEAR them and FEEL their heartbeat when they call.

Thanks for listening,

Portia

 

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